Well that’s been a whirl…!
I can’t quite believe its been three months whilst simultaneously can’t quite believe it’s *only* been three months…!
Anyway – three months it has been – or 16 weeks in “baby world” – and how are we?
Well – I pretty much hate being type 1. Like a lot. Like way more than at diagnosis, or whilst honeymooning or through pregnancy (which I thought would be the hard bit).
In fact I think its fair to say I am now hitting my first real wave of grief / burnout around being a diabetic forevermore.
And I gotta confess that one blindsided me; I didn’t see it coming and it took me down hard, emotionally and physically.
But of course it won’t be forever. Nothing ever is. This unique set of circumstances that have created this perfect storm will pass. In fact it already is, a little.
Y’see, oddly, I think my beloved pump is, right now, not so beloved to me. I have loved my pump and the freedom and security it offers me; but now it feels like a heavy chain that’s permanently attached to me and scattering mayhem amongst an already chaotic time.
Its either buzzing at me when I’ve just gotten Noah to sleep, or I’m worried about the tubing getting tangled up around him, or my sets are really bloody hurting me because he’s kicking them, or I want to rip my skin off because I seem to have become even more sensitive to the adhesives than before… not such good times.
But in a timely twist of fate, my pump failed last week (talk about be careful what you wish for!) – so I’ve been running on the Freestyle Libre and an older style pump. It’s not a long term solution for a variety of reasons; but what it has enabled me to see is that for now, actually having a CGM and pump that *don’t* communicate with each other would make life a lot easier for me… because it takes away the stress of false alarms that mean rooting around my clothing, when one, or both of us have just gotten to sleep.
My diabetic care team are on it; and fingers crossed and with a bit of luck, we’re going to try a new system soon to try and resolve some of these things – and so it shall pass.
Aside from the meh-ness that is T1? Well I am still so incredibly in love with this tiny being. I guess that bit is set to stay, but it still takes my breath away – the vast deep ocean of love that I feel for this boy.
It’s delightful. He’s delightful.
I will be real; he’s also at times utterly exhausting (and I honestly believe I have a “good baby” – so can’t imagine what it’s like for Mama’s dealing with Buba’s with colic or who just don’t stop crying). But despite the exhaustion its always sprinkled with moments of wonderful. Every day.
Now he’s a little bigger he’s amazing to watch – you can literally see the learning taking place. His eyes are bright and inquisitive; his smiles wide and heart melting.
I spend moments catching myself; wondering how I got to be this lucky – and I don’t know how – but I did; I am so lucky ❤️
…. And I’m sure I wanted to write more – I spend lots of time drafting posts of things I want to share with you in my head, but there are such tiny windows of time that aren’t “Noah filled” these days that they don’t quite make it onto ‘paper’… And so, with that, I’m going to publish this post written in haste whilst this little one’s equally delicious Daddy walks with him round our field; and go get things ready for bath time and cuddles with my gorgeous boy…
Nadia & Noah xx