A confession of sorts… A change… A new journey…

… I’ve mulled over this post for a while. Well, almost 4 weeks – to be more precise.

Y’see, 4 weeks ago I started insulin.

And I kinda, sorta didn’t know how to tell you guys.

Cos a huge part of me felt very much like a failure. A lot. Like a failure. Actually.

– which I knew was silly; as I’d just spent 18 months accomplishing what I wanted to do: which was extend my honeymoon period for as long as possible – whilst also maintaining my health. I’d always said that if my “lifestyle” choices compromised what was best overall for my health; then I would re-evaluate… and so, with an as-low-as-I-could-go-carb diet and blood sugars sitting in double figures it was time to re-evaluate.

But despite my logical, rational brain telling me this – still I felt like a failure.

Honestly, reflecting on why, I think part of this wa/is wrapped up in the huge confusion that’s out there around type 1 and type 2 diabetes – the number of people who have commented “but you’re not overweight” or “but you’re so healthy” since I’ve mentioned that I’m a type 1 diabetic (or, as I shall henceforth refer to myself as ‘a super-pancreatically-challenged-chick’) is a bizarre thing to experience – and though it’s often, I think, intended as something of a compliment, it often, somehow, manages to morph itself inside my brain to an overall feeling that I should have tried harder – if I were slimmer, or even more healthy – perhaps I could have avoided this.

I’d let myself get caught up in the confusion – and needed to take a step back.

It’s still all settling inside my still slightly grieving brain – grief for the loss of a life without daily injections and needles – grief for my still poorly pancreas… and like anyone going through loss and the stages of grief; I’ve definitely been experiencing anger and sadness these past few weeks – but I’m also starting to adjust and move to a place of acceptance… I’m remembering to aim true.

Every choice we make is based on love or fear

And though the injections are a bit sh*t, and though I would have done almost anything to avoid starting insulin*, there are – undoubtably – upsides to this new journey…

….Such as… though I’m not about to start eating dairy and grains; because I still believe what suits me best, is a relatively low-carb diet – big salads, and nuts and plenty of good oils really suit my body – and it’s interesting to realise that, now I have more choice in what I can eat, it’s still what my body craves and does best on…. but it is however, a huge release of pressure to know my diet doesn’t now have to be 100% perfect. If I do decide to eat something “naughty”, I won’t have to spend a week trying to get my numbers back in range anymore. I can relax a little; and that release of pressure feels good.

I can eat my long missed fruits. I missed them sooooo much – and now I can (and do!) have strawberries every day. This makes me smile :-)

I can exercise. This was one of *the most* frustrating things about the last 6 months or so…. as my own ability to produce insulin reduced, it became infuriatingly impossible to do anything other than go on walks. I wrote more about why here. I’m not planning to enter any iron woman contests just yet; but its SO nice to be able to do some more “exerting” stuff – and actually see my blood sugars go down afterwards – as they should… I fully understand the importance of keeping my body as insulin sensitive as possible – so I’m embracing this new ability to be more active again. So much so that I’m writing this on the terrace of my local pool – having just been for a swim…. and that feels gooood…. :-)

(*I need to point out that the above reluctance to start insulin is not because I think insulin is the devil reincarnated; it is – ultimately – what will keep me alive – and for that I will always remember to be grateful… but my avoidance is mostly borne from the utter fear that accompanies using insulin, for me. I may or may not expand upon this in another post – but for now – lets just say that I’ve barely slept a full night through these past four weeks and my fingertips are looking more like pin cushions than ever before. Anyone who uses insulin will, I think, get what I mean…)

…. There are other ‘upsides’ to this new path: not least my big appreciation for my sweetheart – we’ve spent much of the last 4 weeks together just pottering and playing cards and having garden picnics and going for walks – and doing the most simple of life’s things: and it’s been bloody brill. Relationships are relatively easy when there’s no major incidences and all is fluffy and good; but when you catch yourself in moments of feeling happier than you can remember – admidst a time when life has thrown you some big juicy lemons – then you know you’re a pretty lucky gal.

In fact people generally have been super wonderful and super kind – from friends to family to doctors to strangers… We hear that people have lost empathy and the ability to connect and be compassionate and kind – but recent experiences tell me that – when it matters most – that’s not the case at all. Each little gesture of kindness has been felt – and helped me more than most might ever be aware. I try to remember to be sure to go back and tell them – but I also hope that karma will smile on them as a gesture of my gratitude.

… and so, all that was left, was to tell you – to “confess” – to hope you’ll not judge, not be disappointed – and cos my super-anylytical brain has been foraging for all sorts of new information to run alongside this new way of being; I hope you’ll still want to join me on this new part of an ever learning journey…

With much love, and remembering to aim true…
Nadia xo

Aim True

Artemis ~ Aim True

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “A confession of sorts… A change… A new journey…

  1. Pingback: Start here… | My Sweet Life

  2. Hi Nadia, im sorry to hear you are on insulin now i was really shaken when i read your blog, upset even. I was really hoping you would beat it with all the hard work youve done. I know you have been “beaten” as such but as you know im in a similar boat and seeing someone else go through such lengths…. well you get the idea. To be honest i dont know what the answer is, whether its diet that can prevent this or nothing at all. My blood sugars are still normal with my last hba1c around 1 month ago at 4.4% but my life is anything but normal as i live in constant fear of becoming a T1 with this raw vegan diet controlling every decision i make. I live a life of anxiety and confusion wondering if and when i’ll get it, i may aswell have it since my quality of life isnt good. Also i have been monitoring my GAD antibodies since i started the diet, they have been steadily dropping over 2 years but on the last reading they went up a bit – I wonder is this the beginning of the end. On the bright side you now dont have to live in fear or wonder, the battle is over and guess what youre perfectly fine and healthy! I wish you all the best with whatever route you choose to go down next x x

    • Thanks for your sweet message Karl :-)
      … it’s not all that bad – I hadn’t realised quite how exhausting the battle was! With a hbA1c of 4.4 and dropping GAD’s it sounds as if you’re doing pretty brilliantly – and super long may that last.
      – And, if for whatever reason it doesn’t, you will have learnt so much in preparation for any new paths you may have to take – remember every cloud always does have a silver lining…. :-)
      Anyway; you’re doing just great – and thanks for your lovely wishes,
      Nadia xo

  3. Reblogged this on the anarchic lout and commented:
    This is a brave, honest account of a difficult decision, from a super champ taking control of her life and empowering others to clue themselves up as much as possible and question everything before you decide whether it is right for you. Proud to know her!

  4. I am happy and proud for you Nadia, for making a big decision such as this. It is obvious to me you are putting your health as your top priority, and I commend you greatly for that! Learning insulin’s in’s and outs will take some getting used to (i know first hand), but you will learn and adjust and soon it will be more in the background of your life and not in the forefront. You are a smart gal to make this decision to gain better control of your blood sugar. Best wishes on your new journey.

    • Hi Nikki! Awwww…. thanks SO MUCH for your lovely, kind and super thoughtful comment!
      … it is a new journey – and like I said in my post – there’s much to be grateful for still… connecting with lovely people is just one of them :-)
      Nadia xo

  5. Pingback: Healthy-ish ;-) Peanut Putter & Chocolate Chip Cookies – Gluten Free, Dairy Free & Vegan | My Sweet Life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s