Hello loves; yesterday I read about My Diabetes Secret via Six Until Me – and it was a timely read as, as most of you know, *most* of the time I feel quite kick-ass about this diabetes malarky – but *sometimes* I feel pretty darn crappy about it – and this is one of those times.
Though I don’t believe in wallowing in those crappy feelings, I do think it’s important to express them; for you (me) to feel heard in some way – and My Diabetes Secret seems a great place to do just that… Plus it’s kinda comforting to know that you’re not alone in the crappy thoughts you (I) sometimes feel; it makes things reassuring too.
I haven’t blogged for about a week as I was away, then got back and got a bug – and have been grappling it since….
Frustrating cos I’ve about a million posts I want to write you, but I figured it was important to shake the lurgy first and then get back on track… but then reading My Diabetes Secret made me pause and think that “being real” would be to post anyway – so, here you have it, the good, bad n’ ugly!
So, a culmination of things – probably mostly cos of being a bit under the weather, means I have been feeling a bit blue this week – and my blood sugar readings are not fantastic either…. which has been an extra “challenge”
(though I do know poorliness and higher blood sugar readings often go hand in hand).
In addition I have been adding some cooked foods into my diet increasingly over the last month as I was finding raw tricky as the weather gets colder – and I have to concede that I don’t think my body likes it. I’m hardly going wild; it’s mostly soups and stews that I’ve been having – all with green veggies only, naturally – but in the last month my blood sugars have been pretty much in the 7’s, when they were in the 5’s – and my fasting blood sugar is higher too. Plus, I’ve gained half a stone. The way I eat now has never been about weight – but when a bowl of lightly cooked veggie soup makes you gain 7lbs, it’s pretty depressing.
My time away was interesting from a diabetes perspective too; it’s the first time since diagnosis that I’ve been out of my own bubble / routine; and I ain’t gonna lie – spending time with “normal people” 24/7 was tough.
It was tough two fold: one, because naturally they ate yummy foods, all day, everyday – why wouldn’t they – I know I would if I could. And even though the rational part of my brain kept telling me it was my choice and those foods would make me feel ill, the irrational part felt soooo envious that I couldn’t partake in the fresh croissants or breads that were still warm from the bakery or incredible gelatos with the most impressive array of flavours I’d ever seen or, or… yes, that part of my brain found it tricky.
The second reason it was tough was, because I wasn’t in my own routine, my blood sugars went all over the place; high, low and not really anywhere in-between for too long. This was because I was trying to “fit in” with others, and quickly learnt that people don’t really want to understand the literal highs and lows of diabetes. I kinda get it – there’s a limited amount anyone wants to know about anyone else illnesses – but at the same time its left me feeling pretty alone. I know that no-one is going to care about me and my health as much as, well, me – and although in good times I would find that empowering, right now it just feels a bit crap.
Anyway, so that’s the feeling rubbish bit over with; now the feeling UBER grateful bit – and it comes in the form of you – my lovely sweet peeps. This morning I woke up, after not having eaten for more than 15hrs as last night my blood sugars were high – and my fasting blood sugars were 8.2. Given my lurgy and other challenging feelings, I lay in bed wondering whether all this was worth it; maybe I should just get on insulin – wouldn’t life be easier then? I could go to social functions with ease, eat gelato, be “normal”… then I logged in to check my emails, and had the most incredible email from a guy who had *very* similar numbers to me at diagnosis 18 months ago – and his hba1c is now 4.5% and fasting blood sugars 4.8!!
How did he get there? By following the same protocol that I am – woop! He even had the same crazy GAD antibody figures as I did (his were actually marginally higher than mine) – and those have quartered – which tells me he’s halting the autoimmune response, hence halting everything else – double woop woop!!
I’m not gonna pretend life is all hunky dory again now – but the knowing that it will be is back – and somedays, that’s all you need…
a little bit of light.
So *thank you* all you amazing peeps who offer me your pearls of wisdom and keep me afloat when things feel bouncy; I hope I can return the favour to you in kind through this blog n’ other means… :)
Much love, sweet peeps,
PS – in case you’re wondering why I chose that quote from the My Diabetes Secret page; although I could resonate with many, this one smacked me in the face. Why? Because one of the most challenging things I’ve found through following this lifestyle is the absolute impossibility to use food as emotional support like I used to…. it’s a funny one, but I don’t know if its a habit I ever would have broken if it wasn’t for diabetes. It’s still a bit of a battle on bouncy days – but it does force me to deal with things in a different way – which in time I know can only be a good thing… I’d be curious to know which, if any, most resonated with you…?